Pasitenkinimas, arba saviaktualizacija – svarbiausias žmogaus psichinės, dvasinės ir fizinės sveikatos aspektas. Ir viskas būtų aprasta ir suprantama, jeigu ne lytis, kuri dalija mus į vyrus ir moteris, ir šie pavadinimai ir yra šiokia tokia simbolika, už kurios slypi savo gyvenimiškos paskirties įgyvendinimo skirtingumai.
Vyrai pasiekia pasitenkinimą per vyriškumą, moterys – per moteriškumą, belieka tik išsiaiškinti, kas tai yra.
Ir vyrai, ir moterys keistai susirūpinę savo paskirties ieškojimu, nepastebėdami, kad atsakymas glūdi pačiame pavuršiuje ir nepastebėti jo labai sunku: mes visi skirtingi. Ir pirma skirtumų rūšis, kuris iškart krinta į akis – tai lytiniai skirtumai, ir, atitinkamai, su jais susiję esminiai žmogaus gyvenimiški uždaviniai. Šito nesuprantant, neįmanoma tapti patenkintu ir laimingu.
Vyriškumas ir moteriškumas – ne dauigiau kaip įrankiai, kurių pagalba siela sprendžia savi gyvenimiškas užduotis. Tai panašu į peilį ir šakutę. Ir vienas, ir kitas daiktas labai svarbus valgant. Mes jais naudojamės abiem kartu ir tuo pačiu skirtingai. Ir nėra reikalo valgyti nuo peilio…
Mastymo būdo skirtumai
Vyrai apmąsto problemą, o moterys ją aptaria, apkalba. Todėl vyrui reikia paprasčiausiai netrukdyti savarankiškai galvoti, o moteriai nereikia trukdyti išsikalbėti. Jeigu vyras nori kažką pasakyti, nebijokit, jis jums būtinai tai pasakys, bet jeigu neleidi išsikalbėti moteriai – kiekvienas neišsakytas žodis pavirsta strėle, o kalba – į šaudymą tomis strėlėmis į gyvus taikinius.
Receptas šeimyniniam gyvenimui labai paprastas: norite padaryti vyrą patenkintu – netrukdykite jam, norite padaryti patenkinta moterį – pasikalbėkite su ja.
15 minučių dėsnis: negalima nieko reikalauti iš vyro pirmosiomis susitikimo minutėmis. 87 proc moterų kritikuoja vyrą pirmosiomis jo sugrįžimo namo minutėmis. Tai lemtinga klaida, kuri veda tiesiai į skyrybas. Kodėl?
Pasitenkinimo būdų skirtumai
Vyras pasitenkina per išorinius pasiekimus, išorines sėkmes, karjerą, pasisekimą, o moteris – per šeimyninius santykius. Todėl vyras pirmiausiai turi jaustis reikalingas. Jam būtina duoti pajusti, kad jis yra labai svarbus, kad jis ne šiaip didvyris, bet visos šeimos gelbėtojas, ir ką mes be jo darytume…
Čia slypi viena svarbiausių tokio didelio skyrybų skaičiaus priežastis. Vietoje to, kad leistų vyrui pavaidinti didvyrį (tu mano herojus), moteris puola su juo rungtyniauti. Ir vietoje to, kad patirtų, grįžęs namo, pripažinimą, per dieną su daugybe priešininkų darbe kovojęs vyras randa namuose dar vieną varžovą, ir visas jo per dieną susikaupęs susierzinimas, visas stresas išsilieja ant mylimos žmonos. Jis ištisą dieną laikė suėmęs save į rankas, sukandęs dantis kentėjo sunkumus, ir jau pusę dienos kaip svajoja tik apie tai, kaip pavalgys ir ramiai pailsės fotelyje po visų audrų, ir čia staiga jį užpuola nuosava žmona. Tai leiskit gi jam paprasčiausiai pavalgyti, atsipūsti ir tegu jis pasijunta reikalingas, o jau po to prašykite, ko norite…
Kaltinimai, patarimai, priekaištai, paliepimai pirmosiomis susitikimo minutėmis vyrui suvokiami kaip išdavystė, kaip smūgis iš už nugaros, ir tokius dalykus jis įsimena ilgam. Ir jeigu jis pakankamai ilgai jaučiasi žeminamas, jeigu juo ilgai nepasitikima – atsiranda pirmasis pavojingas simptomas – apatija. Ir jeigu jau vyras sustoja, tai sustoja ilgam, kaip plentvolis – pabandyk paskui jį išjudinti, jei toks gudrus…
Veiklos skirtumai
Vyrui daug svarbiau KĄ jis veikia, o ne SU KUO. O moteriai – ne tai, ką ji daro, bet su kuo tai daro. Ir abu pridaro klaidų savo kelyje. Tai natūralu ir nėra didelė problema šeimyniniame gyvenime, bet neteisingas požiūris į partnerio klaidas labai lengvai sugriauna santykius, kurie klostėsi metų metus.
Patarimas paprastas – mes turime išmokti atlaidžiai žiūrėti į mylimo žmogaus keistenybes. Tai vienintelė galimybė susigyventi, esant didžiuliams skirtumams charakteriuose. O vyro klaidomis reikia apskritai didžiuotis („kaip gerai tau čia išėjo“, o ne „Aš gi tau sakiau, kad taip baigsis“)
Kvaila provokuoti vyrą – kiekvieno vyro širdyje gyvena peštukas. Ir moteris turi stebuklingą savybę apčiuopti skaudžiausią, jautriausią vietą bei labai tiksliai ją spustelėti. Tačiau bet koks nervo užgavimas veda prie raumens susitraukimo (bac plaktuku per kelią ir pacientas ima spardytis).
O kiekvienos moters širdyje gyvena gydytojas, ir jai labai norisi ką nors išgydyti,kadangi mato ligą, tik reikia prisiminti, kad dantų gydytojas irgi juk gydo, bet bendrauti su juo ir juolab gyventi jo kabinete nelabai kam norėtųsi. Moterims patarimas vienas – nereikia gydyti vyro, kol jis pats neatšliauš vos gyvas, o tada imkitės darbo, prieš tai apdovanojusios medaliu už narsumą.
Jeigu moteriai visgi pavyks elgtis taip, kad vyras šalia jos pasijus herojumi, tada ji galės jį kontroliuoti. Tai Rytų moterų gudrybė. Tikra moteris gali sukurti savo vyrą nuo nulio. Vyras šeimoje – kaip tuščias puodas – ką moteris į jį įdės, tą ir ištrauks.
Emocionalumo skirtumai
Moteris žymiai jausmingesnė už vyrą. Net gyvūnai miršta, likę vieniši. Todėl receptas vyrams labai paprastas – moteriai reikalingas bendravimas. Ir šis bendravimas turi ypatingas taisykles.
Moteriai reikalingas supratimas, o ne patarimai. Bet vyras šia prasme būna tiesiog stuobrys. Jis klausosi moters, aptinka jos žodžiuose problemą, tučtuojau pateikia jos sprendimą ir patenkintas nueina užsiimti savais reikalais. Todėl kitas receptas yra pakankamai sudėtingas vyrams: mylėti moterį – tai mėgti jos klausytis. Tai pagrindinis suderinamumo požymis, visa kita – antriniai dalykai.
Moteris yra silpnesnė, ji nepritaikyta askezei ir sunkumais, ji paprastesnė ir jos širdis minkštesnė. Dėl savo minkštumo, o ne kvailumo, kaip atrodo vyrams, ji gali lengvai susipainioti kritinėje situacijoje. Būtent todėl jai reikalingas minkštumas ir ramybė. Triskart per dieną vyras turi bent jau apkabinti savo moterį. Reguliari šiluma moteriai reikalinga taip pat kaip vyrui – reguliarus maitinimasis.
Jeigu vyras iš principo nepanorės klausytis moters – ji pradeda ieškoti būdų kaip atkreipti į save jo dėmesį, ir čia galima laukti dievai žino kokių dalykų, moterys labai išradingos.
Iš kitos pusės, moters sąmonė nusiramina, kai aplinkui ją tvyro ramybė: yra maisto, namai, pinigai. Tai ir yra tikroji psichologija – žinoti, kaip neutralizuoti įtampą, kai situacija arba santykiai sutriko…
Kur veda mūsų skirtumai
Nenoras ir nemokėjimas branginti skirtumus veda prie susierzinimo. Tai nenatūralu. Žmogui būdinga džiaugtis skirtumais. Mes žvelgiame pro autobuso langą, keliaujame, vaikštome į muziejų tik tam, kad rastume naujų skirtumų, naujovių. Ir turėdami tokias dideles galimybes nuolat aptikti skirtumus bet kuriame žmoguje, mes nusisukam nuo šitos progos ir pradedame pykti. Sveiką žmogų skirtumai turėtų džiuginti, o ne erzinti…
Meilė iš išskaičiavimo – tai ne tik kažkokių gėrybių įsigijimas. Tai ir gyvenimas su žmogumi, nenorint jo suprasti, įvertinti ir padaryti laimingu. Tik kai išmokstame vertinti skirtumus, vadinasi, ir džiaugtis jais, galėsim sukurti šeimą, pagrįstą meile.
Santuoka iš meilės – tai kada aš pasiruošęs atsisakyti savo patogumų vardan mylimo žmogaus laimės. Santuoka iš išskaičiavimo – kai aš pasiruošęs atimti mylimo žmogaus laimę vardan savo patogumų.
Meilė – tai ne jausmų, pojūčių, reakcijų, požiūrių ir skonio sutapimas. Meilė – tai noras padaryti kitą žmogų laimingu, nereikalaujant nieko mainais. Visa kita – tiesiog priešingos lyties gyvūno dresiravimas. Ir ateina laikas, kai gyvūnas savo dresuotoją galiausiai suryja…
Vyrų ir moterų sėkmė
Vyrui svarbus ne šiaip paprastas pasisekimas, bet suvokimas, kad jis jį pasiekė savarankiškai, pats. Tai jo savirealizacijos pamatas, ir niekas geriau už moterį nesugeba sužlugdyti jo vilčių būti savarankiškam. Ji visada šalimais su savo patarimais. Kai vyras jau pasiruošęs priimti sprendimą ir jo širdyje jau atsirado džiaugsmas, moters patarimas skamba kaip šūvis į nugarą.
Padėti – natūralus motiniškas jausmas. Bet vyras – ne vaikas, ir jį jau seniai vemt verčia globa ir kontrolė. Negana, kad pilni namai vaikų, tai dar ir jį žmona vaiku laiko. Ir tada jis praranda savo narkotiką – galimybę spręsti problemas.
Iš kitos pusės, moteris iš prigimties turi labai gerą intuiciją, ir net nesusimąstydama ji labai tiksliai pasako vyrui tai, ką jis savarankiškai labai sunkiai išprotautų. Tai labai įžeidžia logiškai mąstantį vyrą. Jis niekaip negali suprasti, kaip jo klausimo esmės nesuprantanti žmona nė nesusimasčiusi leptelėjo tai, ką jis gromulavo savo smegeninėje kelias dienas. Moterys, atminkite – intuicija neturi pasireikšti anksčiau už vyro pasisakymus.
Vyras tam ir gyvena. Jis laukia, kada jis bus reikalingas ir tada su didžiuliu džiaugsmu širdyje ir šalta veido išraiška padovanos jums problemos sprendimą. Ir nelaukite bendravimo tęsinio. Kai tik vyras rado uždavinio sprendimą, jo susidomėjimas tuo klausimu pradingsta. Vyras turi atsiminti, kad dovanoti sprendimus reikia tik tada, kai žmona pavargo kalbėti, kitaip tai bus šūvis jau į jos nugarą.
Padėti vyrui – tai reiškia, kad reikia jam netrukdyti. Ir neduok Dieve dėlioti jo daiktus „į savo vietas“. Tai gresia itin rimtomis problemomis… Namų tvarkymas – tai ne daiktų perdėliojimas iš vietos į vietą, tai jų išlyginimas. Kitaip prapuolusio daikto ieškojimas anuliuoja visas jūsų tvarkymo pastangas.
Troškimas pagerinti tai, ką jau padarė vyras – pavojingas dalykas šeimos gyvenime. Vyras labai patenkintas savo darbu ir jeigu pats nepaprašys, geriau nieko netobulinti, kitaip jo akyse tai atrodys kaip griovimas, o ne tobulinimas. Nereikia tobulinti vyrų ir to, ką jie padarė ar nusprendė, jie to neįvertins. Jūsų geriausi patarimai jam atrodys kaip asmeniniai įžeidimai, ypač kai vyrams kažkas nesigauna. Geriausia tokioje situacijoje demonstruoti visa savo povyza, kad jūs juo tikite ir neapsakomai apsidžiaugti, kai jis suras išeitį iš situacijos.
O moteriai svarbu te tai, ką jai pasakė, bet KAIP jai tai pasakė. Ką ji pajautė, kada jai tai pasakė. Ir kokį įspūdį tai padarė aplinkiniams… moteriai svarbiausia – nuotaika, ir ji gyvena ja visą savo gyvenimą. Būtent čia glūdi tokio moteriško garderobo įvairumo paslaptis. Viskas pagal nuotaiką…
Vyrui gi pakanka vienų kelnių ir jis jų net nesusiprotės išsiskalbti. Tačiau moteris išreiškia savo jausmus per išvaizdą. Kiek jausmų – tiek drabužių variantų. Moteriai tikra katorga, kai nuotaika pasikeičia, o išreikšti jos jis negali. Tai paprastai skamba kaip „Aš visiškai neturiu kuo apsirengti“.
Skirtumų daug, bet suvokę patį tarpusavio santykių principą, mes labai lengvai parinksime raktelį į savo mylimųjų širdis…
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